I smiled as I read this one. When you talked about naming your demons, I remembered that I used to use that technique when I was a practicing LCSW. It's like the tale of Rumplestiltskin- the Queen found out his real name and was able to get out from a horrible contract. Naming also gives a person who now has a diagnosis a feeling of peace. A client who behaves in certain ways that seem self defeating, upon the diagnosis of CPTSD is now able to realize that the behaviors they have are not part of being a failure. It is trauma.
I also reacted to your thoughts that people may not be able to change at your age. Or hell, at any age. I strongly don't believe that and strongly have seen research to counteract that charge. I'm at least 20 years older than you and still learning and changing. The best change within the past year is to be able to not argue with people. I'll say "Okay", in response to some outlandish argument people, especially my oldest step son, put forth. I don't need to change his mind or prove him wrong. I'll go on doing good in my part of the world and ignore his cynicism. An added bonus is that he hates it.
As far as your certification program; that's amazing! You didn't give up, and you're moving forward. In my graduate class at the Y, the women colleagues were past child bearing and raising age. They were badasses because they had kept going. They didn't have to keep watch on little LaDawn and Aryck full time any more. Lots of older women, some few were even late 40's.
My life is not where I thought it would be, and my children are not who I thought they would be. For the first part I struggle to say; where am I and what have I done to help take away some pain in the world. The kids; meh. I love them, they are actually gown ups. I miss them being little. Recently I was talking to my oldest and given him some stereotypical ethnic advice and he said quietly; "Mom, I'm 40." Damn.
I am so happy for you and the person in your life who loves you. You deserve love and to be loved. She is a brilliant, snappy and beautiful person. You are both lucky.
My mantra is, "Adapt or die." My other mantra is, "Whatever doesn't kill you, doesn't kill you." I don't know if it makes you stronger, I think the jury is out on that - but it means you're not dead and there's still the possibility of change. In fact, the only thing that one can rely on is that things are in a constant change of change. I take heart in impermanence. I take heart in imperfection and struggle. Nobody said it would be easy, and if they did, I wouldn't believe them and neither would you. One foot in front of the other, we go forward.
Happy Almost Birthday! I am 48 today, and having started over many, many times...you are not alone in this journey. You are a deeply caring, smart and charismatic human being, and I know that while your life is not where you thought it would be by now, I am glad to know you are inching towards something like happy and content once in awhile. The struggle of starting over and financial panic is real. Hang in there, keep writing and know that someone out there is listening and loves you. _Lorien
Happy birthday, Jeff. I loved this. I mean, I hated some of it, and this is the first time in a looooong time I hear hope in your writing (and I'm so glad you're writing). I'm sorry this is late. I've been in the fetal position for a couple days. I just wanted to say, I believe in you and I'm so happy to see you "back". Big hugs from me.
I smiled as I read this one. When you talked about naming your demons, I remembered that I used to use that technique when I was a practicing LCSW. It's like the tale of Rumplestiltskin- the Queen found out his real name and was able to get out from a horrible contract. Naming also gives a person who now has a diagnosis a feeling of peace. A client who behaves in certain ways that seem self defeating, upon the diagnosis of CPTSD is now able to realize that the behaviors they have are not part of being a failure. It is trauma.
I also reacted to your thoughts that people may not be able to change at your age. Or hell, at any age. I strongly don't believe that and strongly have seen research to counteract that charge. I'm at least 20 years older than you and still learning and changing. The best change within the past year is to be able to not argue with people. I'll say "Okay", in response to some outlandish argument people, especially my oldest step son, put forth. I don't need to change his mind or prove him wrong. I'll go on doing good in my part of the world and ignore his cynicism. An added bonus is that he hates it.
As far as your certification program; that's amazing! You didn't give up, and you're moving forward. In my graduate class at the Y, the women colleagues were past child bearing and raising age. They were badasses because they had kept going. They didn't have to keep watch on little LaDawn and Aryck full time any more. Lots of older women, some few were even late 40's.
My life is not where I thought it would be, and my children are not who I thought they would be. For the first part I struggle to say; where am I and what have I done to help take away some pain in the world. The kids; meh. I love them, they are actually gown ups. I miss them being little. Recently I was talking to my oldest and given him some stereotypical ethnic advice and he said quietly; "Mom, I'm 40." Damn.
I am so happy for you and the person in your life who loves you. You deserve love and to be loved. She is a brilliant, snappy and beautiful person. You are both lucky.
My mantra is, "Adapt or die." My other mantra is, "Whatever doesn't kill you, doesn't kill you." I don't know if it makes you stronger, I think the jury is out on that - but it means you're not dead and there's still the possibility of change. In fact, the only thing that one can rely on is that things are in a constant change of change. I take heart in impermanence. I take heart in imperfection and struggle. Nobody said it would be easy, and if they did, I wouldn't believe them and neither would you. One foot in front of the other, we go forward.
Happy Almost Birthday! I am 48 today, and having started over many, many times...you are not alone in this journey. You are a deeply caring, smart and charismatic human being, and I know that while your life is not where you thought it would be by now, I am glad to know you are inching towards something like happy and content once in awhile. The struggle of starting over and financial panic is real. Hang in there, keep writing and know that someone out there is listening and loves you. _Lorien
Happy birthday, Jeff. I loved this. I mean, I hated some of it, and this is the first time in a looooong time I hear hope in your writing (and I'm so glad you're writing). I'm sorry this is late. I've been in the fetal position for a couple days. I just wanted to say, I believe in you and I'm so happy to see you "back". Big hugs from me.